Seriously. And it’s awesome. When I was a teenager, I thought of myself one way. As an adult, I can look back at my teenage self and definitely see that. But there’s also this obvious OTHER side to me that is clearly there as well. It was shocking the first time I saw it.
As I’ve continued to introspect, that self-contradiction has continued to pop it’s head up here and there. How can I be shy and also so outgoing? How can I be so talkative sometimes and so reserved with nothing to say at other times. How can I be so social and love to go out and do things with people at the same time as I’m pretty much a hermit and would like to stay that way? It’s been confusing, even for me!
Over the past couple of years, I have had a few friends who posted articles about the introverted extrovert. Which seemed to hit on some points for me, but not others. Recently though, I’ve seen the pattern often enough to finally clue into what it is.
I like real relationships. I am not good at chit chat, social niceties, polite banter and inquiries. If it’s not real, it’s not anything for me. So meeting people can be difficult. It’s easy if I meet someone I instantly click with and we immediately start a deep conversation. Being in a room with 25 people who are all just having superficial conversations exhausts me and isn’t any fun. It makes me want to leave. But if one or two people corner me away from the group, I could keep talking all night long.
Along those same lines, I definitely prefer talking to any other activity. A good, deep conversation is invigorating and refreshing. I could stay up all night. I will procrastinate other things just to talk like that.
There really are times when I would rather be alone. I would rather be alone than interact with people on that superficial level. But I would also rather be engaged deeply with people than be alone.
Also, I really love people who like me. We basically live like hermits without ever inviting people over or doing things socially. I am way too self-conscious when people are in my home. It makes me super-uncomfortable and I feel judged. I just don’t know what to do with myself while people are here either (unless we are sitting on my couch engaged in awesome conversation).
However. Babo has a friend. She was one of Baboo’s close friends but I didn’t know her very well because (see above). Anyway, she left on a mission a few months after Baboo. So our family went to her farewell. We heard from Baboo how touched she was by that. Then while she was on her mission, we periodically wrote to her and sent her packages. Again, she was very touched and let Baboo know it. When she came home, we all went to her homecoming. Over the time that she has been friends with Baboo she has mentioned over and over how cool she thinks we are, what a great family we have, and what great taste in jeans the Hubba has (long story). And Baboo keeps telling us.
So in recent weeks as this friend has taken to dropping by, I find myself utterly comfortable around her, able to do whatever I want in my house when she is around–which often includes talking to her, but not necessarily.
The thing is, I am sure that she likes me. I know she likes me and so she can come in on in. I was thinking about the other friends I have. The more sure I am that someone really likes me–deep down LIKES me for who I am–the more ok I am with them entering my home. If I am unsure, then I’m not comfortable.
It also works with like weddings. We have gotten invited to many many receptions. I am always surprised to get those invitations. Why do those people want me there? I would never go because I can’t believe that it’s a sincere invitation for me. However, if I feel like I am close enough to someone that there’s a reason they would invite me to a wedding, I can totally go to that. Like the sealing of a good friend today. There’s a deep and long lasting actual relationship there.
It’s so good to finally understand myself. I can totally work with that! And that means that there is so much hope for the people my children marry!
sparkling blue 